There is a reason

Yesterday was a very very very very very wonderful day for me.  From the morning til late last night, yes it was enjoyable, marvelous, fun and happy.  But today, today is the opposite of yesterday.

I was so tired yesterday, I had no time blog my happiness.  I simply recorded my thoughts through the phone.  I just wanted to note and remember how happy I felt yesterday.  But today, today I only want to cry.

I don't want to be compared.  I don't want to be measuring up to someone or something anymore.  I don't want to be undermined.  I don't want to be judged.  I don't want to be pushed around.  I don't want to be blamed.  I don't want to be hurt.  I don't want to cover up someone.  I don't want to be busy.  I don't want to get tired.  I don't want to be responsible all the time.  I don't want to lose my thoughts.  I don't want to be demoralized.  I don't want to be torn.  I don't want to be broken-hearted.  I don't want any of these.  I don't want to feel this pain.

There is so much to be happy about, but I'm sorry, I want to cry.  I hate the world today.. yeah, you're so good to me, I know.. but I can't change.

I am so tired.  I feel so tired.  No matter how many hours of sleep I get, I am still tired.  Even though I laugh and look active, I am still tired.  Its chronic… it has become chronic, it just won't go away.

There is a reason for all of this.. there must be..

But I don't know why…