The Will

Yesterday was a tiring day for me. Day before it, I have not had much sleep and we had to go shopping at Greenhills. Though we were early, we still completed our christmas checklists late in the afternoon. But, even so, I must say, I still enjoyed every minute of it. Even when there could be times that I might have lost patience, we remained sane and patient through doing crazy stuffs.

Alas, getting home yesterday, I finally had an hour of rest. After that, I went about again to buy boxes and Christmas wrappers and then started to wrap all the presents we bought. Waking up just this morning, I felt like my body was too tired. Emotionally battered by career-related problems and all.. sigh, well I could still get up. This is my sacrifice for Him.

Finally, getting to the Church, we noticed that the people were queuing up at the stairs. All the gates were still locked! Hehe, I guess we were just early today or it might be the fact that today is a working day, so most Church goers chose the later Mass. Anyway, sitting at our favorite seat, I was planning how I'd schedule this day and the rest of the week. It really does feel like I could need a rest for awhile, after all, this could be the first step to 'ignoring' people who ignore me (especially at work). Hmmm… so, I'd do what I love to do right now.. I'd just wrap these presents and then go to sleep.

At the Mass proper, I failed to catch the name of the Celebrant for today. But, there was one thing worth noticing about this Mass. Its not really something to rant about, but more of something to wonder about. In my own terms, I believe that I could categorize the Celebrant as generally 'irregular'. It seems his movements, his actions and his speech, even his thinking process seemed irregular. I just don't know if I'm sensing this right. He seemed to be disturbed… but by whom and by what, I don't know. Or.. maybe he's just sleepy. There was even this time when he sang the chorus of a song at the wrong time! Oh, well.. at any rate, I still was able to learn something..

Once he spoke, Joseph was a man of good faith. He loved Mary. When he dreamt that Mary will become the Mother of Jesus, and the angel told him to marry Mary, he went forth and did it. He took care of Mary and her son, Emmanuel. He led them to places where she could have the baby and was always there for her when she needed him. Joseph was a man of God. He has always respected Mary and loved the son she bore in her womb.

And then there was this story of a girl. She loved the wrong people. She loved the wrong people in the most correct fashion she could ever love. She made each love true to its truest meaning. She feel each time she loved. And she had always been hit hard. She suffered.. but to what amount we can never tell. The heart is sometimes soft that it can't take on anything, but is also sometimes hard and strong that it can take on the world alone. She loved and she died several times inside and outside a relationship.

This girl, she was wounded, but kept on going for there was no man who needed her enough that it could make her smile every morning, and thank God that she was alive… and then there was he, he who held her until her heart mends completely. Until she is never again to be alone, and never again to hurt the way she's been pained.

Even as Mary never said it, I know she said infinite thanks to the man who loved her so that he gave his love and respect to her in accordance with their obedience with God. Mary loved Joseph, I know. She loved the man who was everything for her as she was everything for him, all in the eyes of God.

Father asked us in his homily, do you know what Christmas is? What Christmas means, really? It is when you have forgiven those who have hurt you and free your heart of guilt and pain when you welcome Christ. I even asked myself soon after his questions, who else have I not forgiven. From the past to the present, who else? And then I shrugged my shoulders and thought to myself, am I all sure? Oh well.. since I cannot think of someone I've not forgiven, I guess I have nothing to think about.

We went home, bought a sweet loaf of bread on the way back. I reach the house, I remember to blog today and yesterday's mass. I open my private (unpublicized) email account, to add my honey's account. I see 24 new messages, and so I skim through them to read them. By title, I tried to pick the most appealing message first, and then I read the rest that seems to contain nothing. Most messages were from a social networking site that I am a member of. Carefully selecting which ones to open, I saw an email sent to me and one photo comment. I logged into my account and had a read of the comment posted. It made me smile. But, the next message, made me cry. My bestfriend recommended a profile for me to view. In this email, I saw the picture already. And it made me confused.

All memories rushed back into me, and I realized some aspects of the story of my life during 'that' time. Its like watching a movie for the second time. A rerun, would make you understand the tiny details that you missed! I hate it when 'Love is blind', because it really is! and worse, it should've been 'Love is stupid!'. It is stupid when you're with the wrong person. Love can be true, but can be wrong when given for the wrong person. I thought, how could it have been that I was a girl not worth respecting, not worth loving and not even worth telling the truth to??? How? Is that really how I am?

This girl, she sees the wound that had been given to her, she feels the after effects of the concussion, of the physical and emotional abuse that she received and cries. She cries to mourn for the past self that hurt so much. She sees to it that the wound will heal. And it must start by forgiving. Anger gives you courage to attend to your silly thoughts, but forgiveness, it will give you courage to be correct and humane. And lo! ..she will forgive.