When you're down, there's no where else to go but UP
If's there's one thing that is sticking inside my head right now, that's it.  That's how my hubby says it exactly to me when I'm down.  I could almost hear him inside my head... and I finally know the reason why we didn't get to watch "UP" while he was still around.  God really takes you to places and situations you don't have control of.. simply because its His way of giving you sermons about life.  All you had to do was go along, be faithful and listen well.

The whole family is in trauma by what is happening.  I'll save the details to some other time.  I, no matter how devastated I am with the loss of my future, had to take care of those who are still living and have emotions and concerns right now.  I miss them all.  I miss my family for I've been too busy preparing for the wedding.  Now, its their time to have me and its my time to have them.

We watched "UP" in 3d (of course in the best 3d moviehouse).  The "UP" craze has already faded, yet I still don't know its morals.  I don't usually go around reading synopsis or reviews unless I doubt that my money would be wasted in it.  And so, I get surprised myself.

My sister was laughing the whole time, while I was crying almost the whole time.  They were a couple sharing almost the same dream.  Planning almost the same thing.. thinking almost about the same things.  Ellie was more like me, Carl was more like my hubby.  I usually do the pegging of ideas for the future, and he works along with me.  He's more silent, I'm more talkative; but we were both very supportive of each other.

I cried and cried while watching the movie.  The difference with Ellie and Carl with Me and JP is that they got married.. that's all.  I pictured in my head, we'd be lounging around the house and staring up the ceiling of dark blue lit by glow in the dark figures of celestial bodies.  That was how we wanted our room to look like.  This image tore me to pieces.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="600"]Ellie and Carl Ellie and Carl[/caption]

We could've been that.  We could've been that happy.  Look at them, they were almost us.. almost. :(  They didn't have a kid, but their life was fun, simple and full of love.  I cried when Ellie died.  I know how Carl feels like, but I know that he's in more pain than I am.

Like them, we kept a diary.  It was not very tangible like Ellie and Carl's but still a diary nonetheless.  Most were my entries.  His were just a handful, really, but we both loved it.  We had several 'adventures' in our life as a couple and we loved them all.  Every one of them completes the love we have for each other.  In our diary, we have always anticipated our wedding.  Of how much we're going to fill each other with love and care for the rest of our days.. being just the way we are for each other.  We always say, this is the best and easiest relationship for us both.  We don't have to do anything to make the other person loved.  That's why it was very unique and important for us to maintain our individuality.

His dreams were to have a kid (a boy was what I asked from him).  To take his masters in Business Administration, be the best writer, basketball player, etc.  He wanted to change the world behind the curtains.  I bought him a domain and set him up tons of blogs he can play around with.  I encouraged him to take his masters along with me in UP.  As early as three months before, we already have budget plans for various months of the years.  We have schedules for visits, checkups, vacation trips, etc.  We filled the future with days of joys and dreams.  This was our adventure book.

Ellie died with her stuff to do completed.  Though Carl felt he could've done more for Ellie, the best gift of wisdom given by Ellie to him was to have his own adventure, and not live hers for his entire life.  This moment, it struck me.  JP wants me to have my own adventure too.  The question is how?

I loved our adventures together.  We plan things and do it differently later on, but we still manage to be happy.  Things don't turn out to be what we want but we just let it be.  Some people kills our dreams, but we try to build new better ones.  We were a couple who could never be disheartened.

With all of these good things, I know he wants me to be happy.  I want to be happy too.. and start my new adventure so that I can tell it to him everyday.. but how?  Can I have an adventure of my own alone and without a romantic somebody beside me?

I want to create my new adventure as a single person.. as JP's loving widow.  Maybe not yet, but soon, I know.. its soon.  I believe in my hubby when he says: "When you're down, then there's nowhere else to go but UP".  Its still a long way honey dear.. but I will make it.  I promise you I will make it.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="600"]A long way to go A long way to go[/caption]

How wonderful that movie and the timing is.  I will never forget that lesson.  It felt like he was just watching the movie beside me and whispering these things to me to help me.

Thank you my hubby, you never leave me even at times when we are worlds apart.  I love you very much and will never cease doing so. :)