One foot in, one foot out

I suddenly realize, the lack of passionate energy kills.

How did I realize it? I went on leave for a couple of days. I had to attend to some paperworks, etc. Not leaving coding behind, I still was busy as ever with sitting behind my laptop and working on several different things at a time… all of them those that kindle my passion.

I slept late, I researched, I studied, I code. In short? I conquered myself… in just three short days… and then I went back to work. And died.

A long time ago, I was passionate about what I do. Let’s clean this, let’s do that. Let’s fix the process. Let’s make people happy. Let’s deliver. That was me. Now? I can’t say. I feel like a zombie moving on with the tide of the business. A dog with a posh title that gets thrown into anything and everything anytime.

My everyday would be like filling other people’s pockets with happiness, reassurance that their own ego and requirements for their work happiness would get refilled as they want it, as they need it. I don’t get to savor the warmth of my chair because my presence is required in almost every meetings, and yet my decision and opinion matters half as important as the next caucasian person who would agree with me.

I would sweep through tickets plowing through the long list of complaints to see if there’s something my department/myself could do to deliver it fast. I listen to the people inside the room and see if there are any talks about any doubtful setup that I could untangle and speed things up a bit. If there’s any gloomy air in the room, I try to inject something funny to laugh about or pick on something that would ignite a happy atmosphere in the room.

During evals, I take time to plow through my notes of every person’s achievements because I believe in recognition and positive reviews even if I never receive any. I love the pep talk when one person seems to be confused or demotivated. At the end of the day, I feel like I am valued because they solicited my help and my opinion.

I also love the look on their faces and the simple joy of wanting to spend the team budget on food and drinks on a hot or dragging days of web development. And yet, my superior wouldn’t understand why liquidating budget is of an important concern.

Recounting the ways and the times that make me happy to be in that room breaks my heart. Right now, I’m in an about face. One foot in, one foot out.

I could better leverage my skills and my passion in the things that make me happy and to invest in a company / boss that puts great value in my loyalty and faithfulness in the achievement of goals.

I’m crying now as I write this. I see how passionate and I happy I used to be until they have taken the value out from my personality. I know what makes me happy, and I know what makes me sad.

These are honest relations of a passionate soul in a killer environment.