"I'm falling short of my own career standards". That was what I said yesterday.

For the past few weeks, I've been feeling like my own output is falling short of my standard standards. It felt like I am not maximizing my energy, though I always feel exhausted at the end of everyday. I always feel like the only rest I get is when I close my eyes for 20-30 minutes everyday, or when I go to the comfort room, or when I leave the office to buy something to eat. All the rest you ask? …its work.. W-O-R-K. Even when I walk, nap, or watch TV during lunch time, its still all about work. At night, when I go home, I still work but for some other project. Sigh… but why do I feel like I'm not doing any work at all????

I've been burned out maybe. I told myself I was going for a leave, but because I cannot leave my 'youngs' alone and lost and forsaken, I still stayed and worked with them as much as I can. Its tiring. The least thing you can expect is to actually see them working (of course, not to a very unreasonable extent). I won't be demanding, unless you should be reprimanded to be delivering on time outputs; otherwise, I'll regard myself as a cool. crazy IT manager. You'll get to do whatever you want to do! No restrictions, just give me what I need when I need it–and that's it! …but lately, things are not how it should be.

I've been wondering why… I'm wondering why I'm ranting right now, though I really want to.

Before I left the office, two of my 'youngs' left without notice, doesn't talk, doesn't ask, doesn't cooperate. I left the office late simply because I wanted to be ahead of them by work outputs and requirements so that they will never be at lost (even though I needed to do some shopping). I took an FX from Aurora to skip much of Aurora's traffic only to take me to the other side of Aurora and make me walk back again!!! …This is not badluck… nor is it Karma… for I swear, I was never mean.

Does everybody think only about money these days??? I definitely don't! …Even if I do feel that it really makes the world go round, it still not enough to be one person's only drive to keep on living! And never should it drive someone to forget about how life should be!

Its almost Christmas. Even at the start of September, people start counting down the days til Christmas, but only for what?? Xmas shopping??? duh… Look at this essence, some people appear nicer only during Xmas, whilst some, appear meaner because of money matters, still summing everything up just for Xmas. I just wish (that's it! this must be some wish I'd like to ask for my Simbang Gabi sessions) that people would learn to live life just as if, they have everything they need in life. Everything for one person may not be everything for you.

No wonder, I don't feel good during Christmas season. Not everybody is true, and even if they don't say it or show it, I just know. Sometimes, I just know.

I went about walking in one of the malls in Cubao.  I happened to have seen someone who is not ready to see me.  For the past few days, I have already been ranting at why I can't be a friend for this person who used to be so special to me.  I wanted so much to come close and say hi (although I'm not really that kind of person), but just so to give space and understand that that person's hate maybe greater than my sweet perceptions, I walked away.  How hard it is to do something you don't really want to do, just so you can better somebody else's ego. 

After some yada yada shopping, at the end of the day, I wasn't able to buy myself one of the stuffs in my checklist–cotton.   And what makes this worse, is that, I went to the grocery to buy this specific item which may only cost me about P10 max, but in turn, I went out of the store buying a pack of chocolate Hershey's kisses (for my mom) and four small packs of gummy worms/bears for me and my two sisters. Sigh.. would you believe that!  It even costed me much than the cotton that I was supposed to buy! …ugh.. But then again, I'm calm.. cool and calm.

I wanted to grab something to eat while I'll travel home.  I was expecting a heavy traffic, so in order to get home at the soonest possible time, but not skipping dinner altogether, I planned to get something to eat from KFC.  I kinda like their cheesy crunch product.  So, I walked towards the nearest KFC store to buy this for take out.  The cashier punched it already before even telling me it was going to take me 5-7 minutes waiting time.  And so, politely, I declined and asked her if they had fries ready for a take out.  I saw her make a not-so-nice facial expression.  She said "Ay, sori mam, di parin po available eh.  Maghihintay parin po kayo."  She had this tone that was quite telling me: "You have no choice."  So, I thought, I can never be out of choice!  For times like these (I don't need a juicy hon), I'd like to keep myself reminded that nobody can tell me what to do, unless I really need to be told to.  I told her: "No, I needed something quick for to go.  Thanks anyway", then I stormed out of that store.  I passed by Jollibee and here, I was able to grab something to eat while travelling home.  God is still all good.  He always is.

Sigh…. Even so, I've been through a very unpleasant day today, I still have lots of good stuffs in my heart, and that, nothing can ever make that go away.  Just like what this horoscope told me (just before I wrote this very very very very long post)… I do agree.

Friendster Horoscope for December 14, 2006

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

The Bottom Line

Life's challenges reveal what you are really made of. Embrace them today.

In Detail

In life, the things that shape your character most effectively are not the presents, delights and joys that you're given. The barriers, challenges and unpleasant surprises are. How you face obstacles reveals what you're really made of. So try to embrace the difficulties you encounter today. Look on the bright side — while today will not be full of laughter and glee, it will offer many chances for you to test yourself — and impress yourself.

I did impress myself today.  Thank God!