I thought I'd never hear myself say it, though I do think of it everyday as I try to brush aside the idea of leaving, I always think: "I'm not a quitter.". Yes, I'd love to say it one more time… "I'm not a quitter." The true winner knows his/her limitations. And loving oneself never meant quitting.
I am at this point in time, when as I write this post, I picture myself sitting here with an angel on my right and a devil at the left. But you know, I don't want to listen to them. I am also at this point in time that Good and Evil has been into me. This is the exact moment that I shall play by Evil's game and give into my human weaknesses, but go for the Good of loving my human nature.. after all, my body is the temple of God and my human soul is the fountain of Good. I will give in to tiredness and to lost of hope, in the light that I shall learn to give myself a break and start all over again… soon.
Sad that I must leave the side of my most beloved, when in fact this is very hard for me to do. I love the mornings that I can work beside him. I love the times that when I am tired or upset, I could just look at him or just give him a squeeze to make me feel better. I will miss those moments. The funny moments too at the office with him, hearing his corny jokes. Soon, I'll be away in a different environment. Its hard, and its sad.
I am no longer ranting about anything, rather I am nurturing this sadness because I know I'll feel better in the days that will come. No pain, no gain.
After all the known consequences, I know I will be affecting people in my office. First off, are my developers, who, aside from having their manager firm and steady are still feeling the blow of pressure onto them. They will surely be demoralized, but I can no longer be a shield for others when I can no longer protect myself. The admin staff, who never faltered in their tasks, will now see an empty seat 30 days from now… and my honey who has grown to like his seatmate at the office.
They all counted on me, but now, I'm giving in. I'm giving in to the want and need of a better treatment, better life for myself. Not that there are much places to go to that will definitely make me feel better. Don't get me wrong, I could sit beside my honey forever in that office while I am feeling upset.., but to keep on restraining much needed leeway and freedom and continously live my day with fear, anxiety and bashing is no longer healthy.
I'm now giving in to the Evil of treating oneself first and better before others. I believe I have already done otherwise for the longest time possible. Good is yet to come. I must wait for it.
These are very much random thoughts. If only I could have a heart that is not as soft and sentimental as the one I have right now.. If only, I get enough sleep at night.. If only I could say everything I want to say, if only I would be treated better verbally… If only I can reassure myself that I do not lose an ounce of self esteem everyday… If only I could feel that I am not losing my good memory every second of stay there.. If only I could reassure myself that I would never again be so obnoxious to anyone at all even at pressed times.. If only I was better than the way I am right now…
On the contrary, I see myself pity myself, and I get to think… This is not so me, this is not so me. Why must I see myself this way when I know that I am better than all of these?? This is what they have made of me. I'd like to fix myself please. For all that's worth, I do not deserve to be treated badly. I should get what I give. I never failed on anything nor anyone.
My torch must never be blown away. There are a lot who still believes in me, wants me to mentor them and wants/needs me to inspire them. Why must I bear with much bashing and shaming and pressing that I unduly deserve?? I see no reason, ergo I rest my case.
I will end the battle of thoughts in my head. I seek out.